


The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead: Community Service

by ArtemisRae



Series: Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Drunkenness, Gen, Humor, Shenanigans, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-02
Updated: 2006-10-02
Packaged: 2017-10-03 18:25:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisRae/pseuds/ArtemisRae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sokka and Toph search for a ball of twine. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead: Community Service

**Author's Note:**

> So once upon a time my beta juxtaposie was writing her Promises series and we were discussing some of the different things she could do for it. I'm not sure how it started, but at some point we decided that the funniest thing ever would be Aang and Katara making out on Zuko's throne, which turned into the fic _Throne of the Soul_. There is a very small line in the fic about the inebriated Sokka and Toph looking for a ball of twine. And then this fell out of my head.
> 
> This fic is much more enjoyable if you have read justaposie's _[ Throne of the Soul](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3161847/1/)_ first. Go read it and come back. It's worth it.
> 
> **All dialogue from when they enter the throne room until they exit the throne room was originally written by JoJoDancer and can be found in her fic _Throne of the Soul,_.**

* * *

"I believe _this_ belongs to you." A cold voice broke through his reverie. Sokka looked up to find an unamused Mai, towering over him with one hand firmly clamped on Toph's shoulder.

"Heeey!" Sokka ignored his hostess, greeting Toph instead. "Where did you go?"

Toph's mouth split into a wide-open grin, showing off her teeth. "I was-"

"General Iroh and I were talking to Admiral Xie when she stomped up and asked his wife when she was due."

"So?" Sokka peered around them, looking for the portly admiral.

"So she's _not pregnant_. And when she informed Toph of that, Toph laughed, apologized, and then told her that it actually looks like _her husband_ is the one expecting."

Sokka laughed. Mai growled and pushed Toph towards him. He reached out and caught her arm, pulling Toph down into the chair next to him.

"Listen, I can't let her go around insulting my guests. Do you realize how long I've been working on this party?" She bent over and poked Sokka hard in the chest. "_You_ watch her, and _you_ don't let her say anything stupid to anyone else."

"Why is she _my_ responsibility?"

Toph hiccupped loudly next to him.

"Because." Mai gritted her teeth and brought her face down close to Sokka's. "They didn't confiscate _my_ weapons at the door."

Sokka sat back and put up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "Got it."

Mai glared at him for a moment, and he pointed back out at the floor. "Go on, don't you have important people to talk to? I'll watch the drunken bandit over here."

"Good." Mai turned away and mixed in with the crowd of people, disappearing almost instantly.

Sokka turned back to Toph and found her eating his cake. "Hey!"

She turned her head at the sound of his voice, the fork halfway to her mouth. The signal to stop failed to reach her brain in time and the fork crashed into her cheek. He reached out and wiped yellow icing from her cheek, then casually popped his thumb in his mouth.

"I. _Love._ Cake," she said gaily, picking up crumbs from the plate and licking her fingers. "We _never_ have cake back home."

"Did you really tell that admiral that he looked like he was pregnant?"

Toph laughed. "He looks like he's overdue. We're going to have to get Katara in here."

Speaking of Katara… Sokka sat up straighter, looking around for his sister. He hadn't seen her or her betrothed in a while. A growing suspicion in his mind, he poked Toph in the shoulder. "Hey, have you seen-"

The sour look on Toph's face interrupted him. "What's the matter? Is all the cake gone?"'

"Mai yelled at me," she said, pouting.

"Aw Toph." He put a comforting arm around her shoulder. "Don't take her seriously. She's all worried about court stuff. She takes this way too seriously."

"She seems like she's got a giant boulder stuck up her-"

"She probably misses Zuko too," Sokka continued, talking over her. "He's been all busy running the nation and everything. She probably doesn't get any quality time with him, if you know what I mean."

Her face was blank. "Quality time?"

"You know, Zuko's probably too tired at night now."

She blinked. "Too tired for what?"

"You know," Sokka said, nudging her. "Mai's probably just feeling… frustrated."

"Frustrated with what?" Toph asked perplexedly.

"_Sex_, Toph. She misses having sex with Zuko because he's too tired at night. And it's making her act mean to everyone!" he burst, glaring at her.

She erupted into raucous laughter, dropping her head to the table. "I knew what you meant. I just wanted to make you say it." Toph leaned back in her chair, wiped her eye and said, "Well it doesn't look like she's going to get any help tonight. Look at all those presents! He'll be unwrapping all night."

"I know!" Sokka gestured over at the table that was piled high with gifts. "No one told us we had to bring him a gift!"

Toph thought for a moment. "We could still find him a gift," she said suggestively.

"Could not."

"Could so!"

"Like _what_?"

"We can put Mai in his quarters!" she exclaimed as if she had just solved the world's greatest problems.

"Could not."

"Could so! That way when he goes to bed tonight she'll be waiting there! And then she probably won't yell at us again. It solves…" her voice trailed off as she counted, "_three_ of our problems."

"_You_. She yelled at _you_." Sokka crossed his arms. "And there is _no way_ Mai would agree to it."

They sat stupidly, in silence, as they both pondered the thought.

"We could…. Tie her up." Toph said thoughtfully.

Sokka looked at her, considering what she said. "_Tie_ her _up_?"

"Yeah!" Toph said, more enthusiastically. "That way she can't fight us. We could leave her right in Zuko's bed!"

Sokka blinked. "How come you didn't leave a girl in my bed for _my_ birthday? Do you like Zuko better than me or something?"

She pushed him. "Like you need my help. We'll be performing a _public service_ here!" She stuck her thumb in her mouth and bit on the nail. "What can we tie her up with?"

"We need… rope. Or string. Twine."

"Twine!" Toph's face lit up as she laughed. "Twiiiiiiiine. I just like saying that. Let's get some twine!" She stood up, making a valiant effort to gather the train of her dress. "Where does the Fire Nation keep its twine?"

"Kitchen. They use it for meat."

"They tie their meat up along with their women?" Toph shrugged. "To the kitchen then!" She grabbed Sokka's arm and pulled him up.

He stood easily, then swayed, far drunker than he had originally realized. "To the kitchen!" He echoed, letting her lead the way.

* * *

He quickly regretted this decision as she led him down several twisting hallways with no apparent destination in mind.

"Hey," Sokka said, tugging on her shoulder. "Do you even know where the kitchen is?"

"Yes," Toph said, nodding confidently. "We're going to get a ball of twine."

"I know _why_ we're going to the kitchen. I don't know if you know _where_ we're going!"

Toph stopped and tilted her head. "Twiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine," she murmured softly to herself, looking up and twirling her hair.

She had stopped in front of the large double doors that led into the throne room. Waiting for her to make her decision, Sokka admired the detail that went into the Fire Nation seal and rich colors on the door.

It was therefore a surprise to him when Toph exclaimed, "Here we are!" while spinning around and blowing open the doors, banging them against the walls. "Come on!" she beckoned him to follow her in.

He did, eyes automatically going up to the wide, peaked ceilings and the strong marble columns that lined the hall.

Two sounds reached his ears: a surprised exclamation and the sound of skin hitting marble. He accidentally stepped on the train of Toph's dress and caught himself on her shoulder, stilling her and saving himself from hitting the ground.

Then he looked up, towards Zuko's throne. Panicked grey eyes met his. The Avatar, missing his shirt, stood awkwardly over his sister, who was laying on the ground, fighting through her thick skirts and who appeared – his eyes didn't stay on her long enough to confirm this – to be missing the top of her dress.

White light flashed behind Sokka's eyes.

Right before Toph had joined them to teach Aang earthbending, they had stopped in a small town that had convicted Aang of murdering their leader in a past life. As part of his conviction, he had been forced to spin the Wheel of Punishment and was almost boiled in oil before performing community service in the form of ridding the town of the Rough Riders.

The Wheel of Punishment spun quickly in Sokka's mind. And community service had been removed as an option.

Tarred and feathered?

Drawn and quartered?

_Castration._

The punishment _certainly_ fit the crime.

By now Katara was fumbling with the laces of her bodice. Sokka opened his mouth and –

"Are you naked!" Toph beat him to it. Sokka frowned at her. Her voice did not seem to carry the scolding tone he felt this occasion required.

"No!" The guilty couple was trying to get redressed as fast as possible; Aang's response was muffled due to the fact that he was trying to force his head through an armhole.

"You're both topless!" Toph exclaimed this through a wide grin that troubled Sokka almost as much as the situation itself.

"We know!" Katara's response was annoyed. Sokka decided that she was expressing far less remorse than he expected.

"_Why_," he asked, daring to approach the couple on the dais, "are you topless? In Zuko's throne? You…" He tried to find the appropriate reasoning behind his outrage. "You're not even married yet!"

Behind him Toph started to laugh, and he felt a new surge of rage. His back-up was _laughing_. "Why are you laughing?" he glared at her. "This isn't funny!"

"This is _hilarious_!" she responded, sitting down and dropping her head into her hands, shoulders heaving.

He turned to face Katara and Aang without Toph's support.

"Calm down, Sokka." Now fully back in her dress, Katara stood protectively in front of Aang. "It's not like we've never caught _you_ doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places."

Patronizing him and _then_ reminding him of that embarrassing incident from the winter solstice celebration? He retorted with the first defense that popped into his head. "So? I'm _older_ than you."

"By three and a half whole seasons! Back _off_, big brother!" Sokka gritted his teeth. If she was going to bring logic into this, then by golly, he was bringing in his last option.

He turned around and grabbed Toph, hauling her up from the floor. "We," he declared, "are telling Zuko."

He ignored Katara's shouting from the dais and started dragging Toph to the door. The next thing he felt was a sharp kick to the back of his left knee, then pain shooting up his legs as he fell forward and landed on his knees. Sokka's grip on Toph tightened automatically and she came down with him, her head hitting his back as her arm twisted and forcing them both down to the ground.

His mind was foggy for a moment before catching a flash of red above him. Instinctively he reached up and just managed to snag Aang's ankle before he could reach the door. The Avatar let out a loud "oof" as he landed on the floor face first. Toph must have guessed what had happened from the vibrations, because she burst out laughing again, her head not moving from Sokka's shoulder.

From the other side of the room came a yelp of surprise and a thump that coincided with the sudden interruption of Katara's lecture. Toph's laughter grew shriller as she started gasping for breath.

The sound of the door scraping echoed through the room and Sokka's heart stopped.

In truth, the Fire Lord was actually shorter than Sokka, but from the floor he appeared to reach the ceiling itself. The entire room came to a standstill as Zuko coolly took in the scene before him.

Aang broke the silence with a small moan of pain, breaking Sokka's grip on his foot as he rolled over onto his back. Katara was at his side in an instant, throwing herself down next to him, managing to simultaneously wipe the blood from his nose and knock Sokka in the head.

"What the hell are you all doing in here?" The question didn't even register with Sokka as he glowered at Aang and his sister, who was carefully probing Aang's broken nose. Toph climbed to her feet and tripped over his elbow. Zuko easily stepped forward and caught her before she could fall again.

"You'll never guess what happened!" she cried, still leaning over Sokka as she threw back her head to look up at the Fire Lord. "Sokka and I were looking for a ball of twine, and we thought 'what better place to find a ball of twine than in the kitchen!'"

"You're in the throne room." Sokka ignored their conversation as he and Katara helped the still dazed Aang to his feet.

"I know that, moron," Toph snapped, "Anyways, we were looking for the kitchen and we thought we heard –"

"Would one of you take this from me!" With Zuko's exclamation came a stumbling Toph back into Sokka's arms. He couldn't help the curse that slipped out when she trod on his foot.

"Serves you right," Katara hissed next to him, and despite the trouble they were in – Zuko was remaining far too calm for them to get off scot free – he had to quash the urge to snap back at her.

Zuko cleared his throat, signaling that it was now time to listen to him.

"You have twenty seconds to get to your rooms," he said solemnly.

"Your room. Not his," Sokka couldn't help adding, glaring at Katara and Aang. He knew he should have felt bad for injuring Aang, but mostly he just felt satisfied. It wasn't castration, but he could settle for a broken nose for the crime of corrupting his baby sister.

"Twenty… Nineteen…" Zuko counted loudly over them, indicating his seriousness.

Katara frowned at Sokka with narrowed eyes – there would be a rather spectacular blowup between the two of them in the morning – and pulled Aang through the door, half carrying him down the hallway. Sokka's eye twitched. The Avatar would milk the broken nose thing for all it was worth. His gaze shifted to the impassive Zuko. "Can I have thirty seconds? Toph can't walk straight."

The Fire Lord's only reply was, "Seventeen… sixteen…"

Toph took exception to Sokka's statement. With an "I can so!" she pulled away from him and lunged towards the door. Sokka followed her and as he slipped out the door he heard Zuko call, "Don't let her break anything!"

The door slammed shut before Zuko saw Sokka's rude hand gesture. However, the four large guards standing outside the door sure didn't miss it. Sokka froze as if he had hit a wall at the combined stare of four large, irritated Master Firebenders.

"Evening, gentlemen," he said, giving them a small wave.

Toph seemed to notice his predicament – that or she realized he wasn't following her – because she had no problem pushing two of the guards out of her way to clamp onto Sokka's arm.

"Um, excuse her," he called back to them as she pulled him away and down the hall. He let her lead – again, though Sokka thought he really should know better by now – before pointing out, "Hey, the kitchen is the other way."

"We are not going to the kitchen," Toph said shortly. "We are going to bed. We are _not_ helping Zuko get laid tonight."

"Yeah!" Sokka agreed a little too vehemently. "That is the _last_ time we try to tie up the Fire Lord's wife and leave her in his bed."

"To think!" Toph raged on, ignoring Sokka. "We were going to do him a _favor_!"

"What were we _thinking_?" There was a measure of sarcasm in his words, but for the life of him Sokka couldn't figure out if it was intentional or not.

"Zuko deserves-" Toph cut herself off and stood a little straighter. "I have an idea."

"An idea? A fun idea or a trouble idea?"

Toph considered his question. "Both."

"Which comes first? The fun or the trouble?" he felt anticipation rising in his chest.

Toph appeared scandalized. "_Always_ the fun first!"

"Let's do it." He nodded, a grin spreading across his face. "What are we doing?"

"We're going to need that twine." Toph said, almost warningly.

Sokka pointed. "Kitchen's this way."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> What amuses me most is that I set out to write a fic to explain why Sokka and Toph wanted that damn ball of twine… and failed to do so.


End file.
